Volume 12 Issue 3 March, 2022
Candles are easy enough to make. First, we heat paraffin wax until it melts, pour it into the correct mould, and add the essential fragrances. Finally, we allow it to set into the shape we see perfect.
“Karthave! Don’t laugh so loudly, mole, and look at how you are sitting. Don’t cross your legs. What will people say when you behave the same way at your in-laws’ house?” I look up at my grandmother. “I was only laughing.”
“Darling, we want everyone around to speak highly of you. A girl your age needs to maintain decorum. Don’t you care about our family’s reputation? We love you and want what’s best for you.”
This incident is forever engraved in my mind because it was the day I realised that my identity was curtailed by something that I have no control over, something that will remain forever true: the fact that I am a girl.
Conditioning is the process of training or accustoming a person or animal to behave in a certain way or accept certain circumstances. It begins very early on in a girl’s life. This article illustrates some of the subtle ways our society manipulates the female psyche to create the domicile homemaker who takes pride in being abused.
There was a time in all our lives when we believed our parents to be omniscient. The remnants of that belief are still buried deep within us. A girl’s own family sows seeds of discrimination masked under cultural norms. She who sees her brothers always served first grows up to believe that this is the norm. A girl who grows up watching her mother and only her mother tire herself out day and night with chores would believe that’s how it’s supposed to be. This is also a scientific fact: the chameleon effect refers to non-conscious mimicry of the postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours of one’s interaction partners in one’s current social environment. What she learns from home defines her sense of normal. This explains how these toxic ideas that a woman must always be the one to sacrifice are passed from one generation to the next.
A typical Indian household takes due care over how their women sit, walk, or even dress because these behaviours determine where a family stands on the societal honour scale.
The way ‘Sanskar’ is enforced takes a real toll on a girl’s mental health. The girl is conditioned to believe the art of cooking and homemaking are integral parts of her identity and self-worth. Any girl who attempts to grow out of this rigid mould is treated as a delinquent in their own home, making it evident that the house was never ‘theirs’ to begin with. It comes as no surprise that the latest findings of the National Family Health Survey (NFHS) revealed that at least 30% of women respondents across 14 states and Union Territories justified women getting beaten by their husbands.
Women of India take pride in pouring out their blood, sweat and tears until they drain themselves dry. But the most upsetting fact regarding this pattern is how it’s idealised. Every Mother’s Day, posters depicting women with 10, sometimes 100 hands carrying out a plethora of tasks are commonly seen. Though they seem harmless at first, these posters serve as the window to our society’s unrealistic expectations from women.
She manages all domestic chores, works at a full-time job, and finds leisure time to spend with the family. The amount of emotional distress this puts on any human being is massive.
The girl who was taught her entire life purpose is to have and raise a family would never let that fall apart. Her sense of self-worth is too wrapped up in the notion of ‘Sampoorna Nari’ trapping her in abusive relationships. Research has shown that women who had experienced domestic violence were more likely to report mental ill-health status and suicidal tendencies. It was identified as a significant contributor to female morbidity and mortality, leading to psychological trauma, depression, and injuries. 42.8% of the women reported one or the other types of violence, and 12% of the women reported mental ill-health.
A woman consumes herself bit-by-bit till she melts away one day, being the light of the lives of her family till the very end. The world has realised the futility of candles and moved on decades ago. But our society still holds onto them despite countless experiences of the other side of the scalding hot wax.
